I am in some kind of super declutter, reorganize, downsize mind set. I have been recognizing clothes and items that I don't use much and trying to sell them, making space for the things I do do more often. It's great and terrible all at once, as I LOVE getting organized, but I HATE the mess and amount of work it takes to get there.
First of all, realizing that I am not wearing half of my clothes right now, I've packed up my 'I'm fit' clothes into the very same garbage bag that housed my 'I'm rolly' clothes, and discarded many clothes that even when I am fit, I don't particularly wear due to the fact there are so many other great things to choose from!
I've got half the bedroom closet done, (shirts and dresses) and moving on, I'll be doing the tops and skirts next. I have these mixed feelings of bitterness and cleanliness! Not having to house two differently sized wardrobes at all times would be nice! But I do it to save money when I inevitably gain back all lost weight. There's the bitterness. If I could just maintain a weight, I could have one HUGE wardrobe ;) But then again, it gets sloppy and what's the point of keeping things that I don't wear.
Other than clothes, I've been downsizing the amount of recreational and home decor stuff I have. My piano, my saxophone, my Beatles Rock Band set (soon to go), room divider, etc. I just don't seem to make time for this stuff like I do for playing board games and video games, so it was time for them to go-go.
With technology moving forward, we copied all of my movies and music to Bry's external hard drive, and are now selling off my DVDs and CDs. HUGE space saver. Though we've watched one movie so far where the automatic subtitles that would play were some how erased, so we had a bit of fun paraphrasing what the actors were saying. This was actually a really good measure for how well an actor matched his hand and body gestures to what they are saying. Also a good measure of how much my Grade 8 French stuck. Not great, but surprisingly not bad!
It's hard to let things go. Especially those little treasures that were found or given as gifts. But when you live in a 1 bedroom apartment it's all about the quality and quantity of use vs. "I like it". The space is really coming together nice, and it's brilliant to walk into our storage and be able to easily (at least somewhat) access what we need. Bry-man has been given many a task to complete in the 'prettying' of our apartment, which a new drill has helped encourage, and make it a bit easier.
I'll be happy when its done, and I move on to my next project!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
This isn't living...
5 days... I want to say I've noticed a difference, but I don't think my body works that fast. This diet though is starting to feel very ... I dunno, boring seems like the best word to describe it.
Remember, that for almost an entire year now, I have eaten the same breakfast, the same 3 mini-meals consisting of fruit and protein, and the same chicken salad for dinner with some exception as a treat, and I didn't find THAT boring.
This fella eats some random things for dinner, but the same thing for breakfast and lunch everyday! I LOVE salad, but even I find salad for two meals a day tedious.
I remember being hungry in the first week, and I am again this time. I go to bed a wee bit hungry, but I know that this is about re-training my indulgent tummy to need less food. But this guy is eating the same vegetables all day, no fruit, no full grains. Something in my head is screaming that this is not an healthy way to lose weight.And again, it's kinda boring.
So what to do? I think I am going to use both diets, mashed up and see if that makes me a little happier. A little of this, a little of that is always the magic recipe that my honey uses to whip up his delightful meals in the kitchen.
*I'll keep the 'no booze' aspect. That's just good for my wallet.
*I'll keep the 'monster salad' for dinner, since that is essentially what I do regularly anyways.
*I'll keep up the 'no sugar', but revise it so that it's more about no 'refined sugar' and allow myself some fruit as a treat.
*I'll introduce some whole grains to my breakfast because I can't cook omelets at work and really wasn't enjoying having the same veg in my omelet that I had in my salad for the TWO meals!
*I'll have to figure out some of the smaller meals, but I will keep fruit and dairy to a minimum. - this will need a bit more thought.
What really prompted me to write this today was the 'going away' party that occurred for a co-worker. One of my favorite treats, in steady competition with Peanut-butter cups, is mini coconut cupcakes from 'Cupcakes'. I FRAKKIN' love these tiny crack-cakes and there they were just asking to be devoured by me. I was literally huffing the smell of them as I passed them on. Believe it or not that actually helped me with my will-power. Yes they would be delicious but it would also make me feel guilty. But I DID pass them on.
I was proud of myself, true, but the denial of pleasure I would have derived from that decadent morsel made me question why I am doing this. I am a FOODIE people! I LOVE food. Next to my loved ones, it's my passion. I watch the Food Network religiously and believe that it's the only reason to have cable other than "Game of Thrones". (If I could have HBO and Food Network only, I'd be a happy customer - hint hint ROGERS). Anyways, this whole denial thing feels terrible. Isn't this why we live? To indulge in what makes us most happy?
Ultimately, I think my lesson learned here is portion control. I eat pretty healthy most days, but when I indulge I indulge BIG, so let's see how I do with moderation. :)
Here's to happy tummies.
Remember, that for almost an entire year now, I have eaten the same breakfast, the same 3 mini-meals consisting of fruit and protein, and the same chicken salad for dinner with some exception as a treat, and I didn't find THAT boring.
This fella eats some random things for dinner, but the same thing for breakfast and lunch everyday! I LOVE salad, but even I find salad for two meals a day tedious.
I remember being hungry in the first week, and I am again this time. I go to bed a wee bit hungry, but I know that this is about re-training my indulgent tummy to need less food. But this guy is eating the same vegetables all day, no fruit, no full grains. Something in my head is screaming that this is not an healthy way to lose weight.And again, it's kinda boring.
So what to do? I think I am going to use both diets, mashed up and see if that makes me a little happier. A little of this, a little of that is always the magic recipe that my honey uses to whip up his delightful meals in the kitchen.
*I'll keep the 'no booze' aspect. That's just good for my wallet.
*I'll keep the 'monster salad' for dinner, since that is essentially what I do regularly anyways.
*I'll keep up the 'no sugar', but revise it so that it's more about no 'refined sugar' and allow myself some fruit as a treat.
*I'll introduce some whole grains to my breakfast because I can't cook omelets at work and really wasn't enjoying having the same veg in my omelet that I had in my salad for the TWO meals!
*I'll have to figure out some of the smaller meals, but I will keep fruit and dairy to a minimum. - this will need a bit more thought.
What really prompted me to write this today was the 'going away' party that occurred for a co-worker. One of my favorite treats, in steady competition with Peanut-butter cups, is mini coconut cupcakes from 'Cupcakes'. I FRAKKIN' love these tiny crack-cakes and there they were just asking to be devoured by me. I was literally huffing the smell of them as I passed them on. Believe it or not that actually helped me with my will-power. Yes they would be delicious but it would also make me feel guilty. But I DID pass them on.
I was proud of myself, true, but the denial of pleasure I would have derived from that decadent morsel made me question why I am doing this. I am a FOODIE people! I LOVE food. Next to my loved ones, it's my passion. I watch the Food Network religiously and believe that it's the only reason to have cable other than "Game of Thrones". (If I could have HBO and Food Network only, I'd be a happy customer - hint hint ROGERS). Anyways, this whole denial thing feels terrible. Isn't this why we live? To indulge in what makes us most happy?
Ultimately, I think my lesson learned here is portion control. I eat pretty healthy most days, but when I indulge I indulge BIG, so let's see how I do with moderation. :)
Here's to happy tummies.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Battle of my bulge
Ah weight gain... FUCK YOU!
ahem, well now that that is out of my system allow me to continue in a more lady-like manner.
I'm on a diet again. Y'see, I was born with an inactive thyroid. The useless gland just sits there, and has caused me many, many years of grief with regards of my weight. It is the roller coaster that I am constantly riding in the background of my life. I go for blood tests regularly, have seen specialists for most of my life and take a pill everyday, the dose of which changes regularly depending on my weight.
Last year, at the heaviest I've been since I was 18 (I was 190lbs at 18, about 160 last year), I was finding that all of my clothes weren't fitting and I was struggling to want to get dressed in the morning; in general I was pissed off at my weak-ass metabolism, and moody. So I started this awesome meal plan that was super simple, and suuuuuper effective. My co-worker had concocted it for himself, then modified it for women, it worked and I loved it.
The Plan: For breakfast I had the superhero breakfast, a protein bar for a snack, 1/2 cup pineapple and 3/4 cup cottage cheese for lunch, an apple and egg for afternoon snack, and then a chicken salad for dinner with a tablespoon of oil and one of vinegar. I ate like this repeatedly for 6 weeks, and lost about 40lbs! I did yoga for exercise about 3 times a week. None of that wimpy 'Yin' yoga, it was allllll about Hatha and Power yoga!
I was in bliss.
I felt amazing!
I wore clothes that I had held onto for yeeeeears and had fantasized about wearing but never thought it was possible. I didn't have 'skinny' clothes, I had 'fantasy' clothes.
I managed to hold onto that weight and fitness for a whole year, and still drink beer! I met and fell head over heels for my BF, Bry-man, and felt sexier than ever!It was so effective that I just kept on eating the meal plan for most of that year.
But then... just when happiness was at it's zenith for me, I went back on the birth-control pill and seemed to balloon over night. BOOOOOOOOO MOTHERFUCKIN HORMONES! Whoa, I lost my calm again!
Yea, I blame the hormones..... combined with Bry's and my love affair with IPA and other craft brewed beers.... combined with that shitty, useless thyroid, and weak-ass metabolism. I just want to scream at them and tell them to wake up, get to work, earn your keep!
Well, I'm back up to about 160lbs (it's approximate because I loathe scales and prefer to base my happiness on what fits vs. my weight). And now I'm giving myself 28 days with no booze, dairy and super minimal sugar to see if I can get back into at least some of the new clothes I bought while fit in the last year.
I'm following this fellow's basic diet on www.blobmosis.com. I'm on day 4, and I'm doing good. Eating healthy, looooots of water, and actually not craving any of the stuff that I've cut out. The fantasy of fitting back into clothes I love is a very strong motivator.
All of that said... it's frustrating to think that if I want to be happy and eat and drink the way I'd like to, I will just go back to the same weight. I enjoy big Indian dinners, paired with a nice wine, pizza, burgers, beer.... but alas... my metabolism keeps putting in Workers Comp claims and the work keeps piling up in it's absence.
Gosh, it'd be nice to plateau for longer than a year so I could keep just ONE wardrobe! :)
I'll keep you posted on my success. I'm feeling pretty good right now, but haven't noticed any weight loss. Probably because I make HUGE salads. Well, hopefully I'll see some results!
Day 28 lands on my birthday, on which day the champagne will be free flowing!
Wish me luck, or don't. Either way, it ends with Champagne! :D
ahem, well now that that is out of my system allow me to continue in a more lady-like manner.
I'm on a diet again. Y'see, I was born with an inactive thyroid. The useless gland just sits there, and has caused me many, many years of grief with regards of my weight. It is the roller coaster that I am constantly riding in the background of my life. I go for blood tests regularly, have seen specialists for most of my life and take a pill everyday, the dose of which changes regularly depending on my weight.
Last year, at the heaviest I've been since I was 18 (I was 190lbs at 18, about 160 last year), I was finding that all of my clothes weren't fitting and I was struggling to want to get dressed in the morning; in general I was pissed off at my weak-ass metabolism, and moody. So I started this awesome meal plan that was super simple, and suuuuuper effective. My co-worker had concocted it for himself, then modified it for women, it worked and I loved it.
The Plan: For breakfast I had the superhero breakfast, a protein bar for a snack, 1/2 cup pineapple and 3/4 cup cottage cheese for lunch, an apple and egg for afternoon snack, and then a chicken salad for dinner with a tablespoon of oil and one of vinegar. I ate like this repeatedly for 6 weeks, and lost about 40lbs! I did yoga for exercise about 3 times a week. None of that wimpy 'Yin' yoga, it was allllll about Hatha and Power yoga!
I was in bliss.
I felt amazing!
I wore clothes that I had held onto for yeeeeears and had fantasized about wearing but never thought it was possible. I didn't have 'skinny' clothes, I had 'fantasy' clothes.
I managed to hold onto that weight and fitness for a whole year, and still drink beer! I met and fell head over heels for my BF, Bry-man, and felt sexier than ever!It was so effective that I just kept on eating the meal plan for most of that year.
But then... just when happiness was at it's zenith for me, I went back on the birth-control pill and seemed to balloon over night. BOOOOOOOOO MOTHERFUCKIN HORMONES! Whoa, I lost my calm again!
Yea, I blame the hormones..... combined with Bry's and my love affair with IPA and other craft brewed beers.... combined with that shitty, useless thyroid, and weak-ass metabolism. I just want to scream at them and tell them to wake up, get to work, earn your keep!
Well, I'm back up to about 160lbs (it's approximate because I loathe scales and prefer to base my happiness on what fits vs. my weight). And now I'm giving myself 28 days with no booze, dairy and super minimal sugar to see if I can get back into at least some of the new clothes I bought while fit in the last year.
I'm following this fellow's basic diet on www.blobmosis.com. I'm on day 4, and I'm doing good. Eating healthy, looooots of water, and actually not craving any of the stuff that I've cut out. The fantasy of fitting back into clothes I love is a very strong motivator.
All of that said... it's frustrating to think that if I want to be happy and eat and drink the way I'd like to, I will just go back to the same weight. I enjoy big Indian dinners, paired with a nice wine, pizza, burgers, beer.... but alas... my metabolism keeps putting in Workers Comp claims and the work keeps piling up in it's absence.
Gosh, it'd be nice to plateau for longer than a year so I could keep just ONE wardrobe! :)
I'll keep you posted on my success. I'm feeling pretty good right now, but haven't noticed any weight loss. Probably because I make HUGE salads. Well, hopefully I'll see some results!
Day 28 lands on my birthday, on which day the champagne will be free flowing!
Wish me luck, or don't. Either way, it ends with Champagne! :D
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
D&D live at the RIO
A few months ago, (and every month since) Bry-man and I had a nice date night break to alleviate my major project deluge and took to the Broadway and Commercial area for dinner and a show.
Dinner needed to be nearby the Rio theatre (our entertainment venue for the eve) so we headed to St. Augustine's pub .... This isn't just ANY pub! It boasts 40-odd craft beers scrolling on a large screen TV, displaying how much of each keg is left. So you know before you order if your choice is available.
They have the most impressive selection of IPA's that I've ever seen on tap (with Toronado's in San Fran, the title holder) and most of them, if not all, were from the west coast. Bryan and I dove in. I had a light, jasmine-infused beauty from Seattle first and a second from Oregon that claimed to have all sorts of flower and spice essences, but yielded a standard but delicious IPA flavor.
They have some pretty incredible nachos (but Bryan's are better) which we elected to add the pulled pork to. Damn fine choice, and I can't believe we finished them!
 |
| Spitz takes it in the face--AGAIN! |
The show was interactive, and audience members were brought up to play the villains! It was a hilarious night, and is fun for anyone that does or has ever play D&D.Though haters be warned, they play 4th Edition. I could easily see this becoming a dress up event as popularity grows!
The Rio is licensed and offers wine, beer and some cocktails! Some decent beer selection too! Local Granville Island selections and Red Racer were available.
Be sure to check out the next Critical Hit Show, happening the last Wednesday of the month. Good fun for $8 bucks!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
That damned depression
First of all... I am here writing right now because I don't want to further burden my loved ones with my CONTINUOUS inability to be happy and content.
It's been months since I've felt like I had anything to write about here, and I still am not sure that this is something I want to post here. I think I may actually change the name of the blog to "the damn hard struggle to happiness".
I hate depression. I FUCKING HATE IT. It makes me hate myself, or at least not see any value in myself. It makes me bitter, it blinds me to the wonderful things I have going in my life. It comes on from the smallest of things and sticks around for days.
For instance: I found out this morning that I get paid the lowest salary in the office. The office where I've been covering three positions for a month now while the receptionist went to Greece and our finance officer got a better paying job somewhere else. I don't know why that changes things... but something in me, the something that never lets me buy things brand-new, the something that wishes I didn't have to CONSTANTLY wonder when I will be able to afford new shoes or bras, that something is close to tears, despite the fact that I'm not starving. I know I'm not in a bad situation, BUT I also know that I stretch my dollar as far as it'll go, and I'm very frugal... so sometimes I just wish I didn't have to think about that *so* much.
I start thinking: What's it like to make 100,000 a year? Hell...what's it like to make 60,000 a year? I know you get taxed heavier, but you probably also buy a shirt that costs over $30 and don't blink. I look at clothes sometimes and wonder WHO can afford to shop for this stuff.
Anyways, the depression isn't just about money... I got a DUI a year and a half ago, and I haven't been ABLE to repay my debt to society because the laws in BC state that the only way I can redeem myself will cost me about $5000.
First off people-who-are-already-judging-me... I AM SO SORRY for making such a dumb mistake. I'd never done it before, and I have no idea what made me get into the car that day. I'm lucky that no one got hurt, and I know it and I'm grateful. OK!!!!! I don't need anyone else adding to my mounting guilt.
Still.... I can't afford to wipe the shame away. Is that the point? I have written letters to the Solicitor General, and was told that while my statement of financial burden may be valid, but I didn't acknowledge the terribleness of drunk driving and the impact it has on our society. Of course I do. I'm ACTUALLY sorry. You know who isn't? The guy who gets his second or third DUI and has a system worked out where he switches the license plate on his two matching cars so he can drive the one WITHOUT the breathalyzer when he IS drunk!!!!! These are the people who are not remorseful... and I don't see this money grabbing tactic stopping them.
I haven't had an opportunity to drive in over a year and a half, and I had to sell my car to pay for the impound fees, so now I'm unable to comply with the rest of the expectations the province expects of me. I just can't afford to buy a car, and no one wants to let me put a breathalyzer in theirs (and I mean really what does this prove other than my friend doesn't drink and drive... since I won't have their car) so I asked them... "can I do community service to earn back my license?" and they said no. There is no flexibility. There is no hope for those without money. You may recall what happened when our Premier -Gordon Campbell- was arrested for DUI in Hawaii. He had a driver to dote on him the entire time he had his license revoked. Not a luxury a lot can afford, and now in BC we don't even have the option of WAITING a term to get our license back. Quite simply put, we have to PAY for it back.
I realize that people will read this and form opinions of me, hate me, etc. not much I can do about that. I deal with the way people look at me and judge me when they find out about the DUI all the time. It breaks my spirit on a regular basis... because what can I do to fix it other than go into further debt?
So I'm dealing with that, and sure, yes... when I look at other people's wages and see that they make twice as much as I do, well I think... DAMN, I could have fixed this immediately and been not to much the worse for ware.
I also have trust issues, and deep-seeded self-esteem issues. Always being the chubby girl and then been used casually and discarded by men will do that to a person. So now that I'm with someone that claims to love me for who I am... I find myself regularly sabotaging the best thing in my life because I can't exude confidence nor trust that he's not going to eventually get fed up with me. It's a truly terrible cycle of paranoia that leads to destruction. Yet know this, I can't seem to stop it's hold on me.
Alright.... I've vented it out there now. I don't know to what end.I WANT to be happy. I want to know what I have and be calm in my heart. I want to not torment people around me. I don't know why, but that seems like it needs money to happen. Fuck... I don't know how to do it. But I want to be happy, just like everyone else does. So go ahead an ignore me and my first world problem rants.
I just had to tell my troubles to someone... and the internet void seemed like a good unburdened receptacle.
The end. Jeez I hope you didn't read all of this.
It's been months since I've felt like I had anything to write about here, and I still am not sure that this is something I want to post here. I think I may actually change the name of the blog to "the damn hard struggle to happiness".
I hate depression. I FUCKING HATE IT. It makes me hate myself, or at least not see any value in myself. It makes me bitter, it blinds me to the wonderful things I have going in my life. It comes on from the smallest of things and sticks around for days.
For instance: I found out this morning that I get paid the lowest salary in the office. The office where I've been covering three positions for a month now while the receptionist went to Greece and our finance officer got a better paying job somewhere else. I don't know why that changes things... but something in me, the something that never lets me buy things brand-new, the something that wishes I didn't have to CONSTANTLY wonder when I will be able to afford new shoes or bras, that something is close to tears, despite the fact that I'm not starving. I know I'm not in a bad situation, BUT I also know that I stretch my dollar as far as it'll go, and I'm very frugal... so sometimes I just wish I didn't have to think about that *so* much.
I start thinking: What's it like to make 100,000 a year? Hell...what's it like to make 60,000 a year? I know you get taxed heavier, but you probably also buy a shirt that costs over $30 and don't blink. I look at clothes sometimes and wonder WHO can afford to shop for this stuff.
Anyways, the depression isn't just about money... I got a DUI a year and a half ago, and I haven't been ABLE to repay my debt to society because the laws in BC state that the only way I can redeem myself will cost me about $5000.
First off people-who-are-already-judging-me... I AM SO SORRY for making such a dumb mistake. I'd never done it before, and I have no idea what made me get into the car that day. I'm lucky that no one got hurt, and I know it and I'm grateful. OK!!!!! I don't need anyone else adding to my mounting guilt.
Still.... I can't afford to wipe the shame away. Is that the point? I have written letters to the Solicitor General, and was told that while my statement of financial burden may be valid, but I didn't acknowledge the terribleness of drunk driving and the impact it has on our society. Of course I do. I'm ACTUALLY sorry. You know who isn't? The guy who gets his second or third DUI and has a system worked out where he switches the license plate on his two matching cars so he can drive the one WITHOUT the breathalyzer when he IS drunk!!!!! These are the people who are not remorseful... and I don't see this money grabbing tactic stopping them.
I haven't had an opportunity to drive in over a year and a half, and I had to sell my car to pay for the impound fees, so now I'm unable to comply with the rest of the expectations the province expects of me. I just can't afford to buy a car, and no one wants to let me put a breathalyzer in theirs (and I mean really what does this prove other than my friend doesn't drink and drive... since I won't have their car) so I asked them... "can I do community service to earn back my license?" and they said no. There is no flexibility. There is no hope for those without money. You may recall what happened when our Premier -Gordon Campbell- was arrested for DUI in Hawaii. He had a driver to dote on him the entire time he had his license revoked. Not a luxury a lot can afford, and now in BC we don't even have the option of WAITING a term to get our license back. Quite simply put, we have to PAY for it back.
I realize that people will read this and form opinions of me, hate me, etc. not much I can do about that. I deal with the way people look at me and judge me when they find out about the DUI all the time. It breaks my spirit on a regular basis... because what can I do to fix it other than go into further debt?
So I'm dealing with that, and sure, yes... when I look at other people's wages and see that they make twice as much as I do, well I think... DAMN, I could have fixed this immediately and been not to much the worse for ware.
I also have trust issues, and deep-seeded self-esteem issues. Always being the chubby girl and then been used casually and discarded by men will do that to a person. So now that I'm with someone that claims to love me for who I am... I find myself regularly sabotaging the best thing in my life because I can't exude confidence nor trust that he's not going to eventually get fed up with me. It's a truly terrible cycle of paranoia that leads to destruction. Yet know this, I can't seem to stop it's hold on me.
Alright.... I've vented it out there now. I don't know to what end.I WANT to be happy. I want to know what I have and be calm in my heart. I want to not torment people around me. I don't know why, but that seems like it needs money to happen. Fuck... I don't know how to do it. But I want to be happy, just like everyone else does. So go ahead an ignore me and my first world problem rants.
I just had to tell my troubles to someone... and the internet void seemed like a good unburdened receptacle.
The end. Jeez I hope you didn't read all of this.
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