First of all... I am here writing right now because I don't want to further burden my loved ones with my CONTINUOUS inability to be happy and content.
It's been months since I've felt like I had anything to write about here, and I still am not sure that this is something I want to post here. I think I may actually change the name of the blog to "the damn hard struggle to happiness".
I hate depression. I FUCKING HATE IT. It makes me hate myself, or at least not see any value in myself. It makes me bitter, it blinds me to the wonderful things I have going in my life. It comes on from the smallest of things and sticks around for days.
For instance: I found out this morning that I get paid the lowest salary in the office. The office where I've been covering three positions for a month now while the receptionist went to Greece and our finance officer got a better paying job somewhere else. I don't know why that changes things... but something in me, the something that never lets me buy things brand-new, the something that wishes I didn't have to CONSTANTLY wonder when I will be able to afford new shoes or bras, that something is close to tears, despite the fact that I'm not starving. I know I'm not in a bad situation, BUT I also know that I stretch my dollar as far as it'll go, and I'm very frugal... so sometimes I just wish I didn't have to think about that *so* much.
I start thinking: What's it like to make 100,000 a year? Hell...what's it like to make 60,000 a year? I know you get taxed heavier, but you probably also buy a shirt that costs over $30 and don't blink. I look at clothes sometimes and wonder WHO can afford to shop for this stuff.
Anyways, the depression isn't just about money... I got a DUI a year and a half ago, and I haven't been ABLE to repay my debt to society because the laws in BC state that the only way I can redeem myself will cost me about $5000.
First off people-who-are-already-judging-me... I AM SO SORRY for making such a dumb mistake. I'd never done it before, and I have no idea what made me get into the car that day. I'm lucky that no one got hurt, and I know it and I'm grateful. OK!!!!! I don't need anyone else adding to my mounting guilt.
Still.... I can't afford to wipe the shame away. Is that the point? I have written letters to the Solicitor General, and was told that while my statement of financial burden may be valid, but I didn't acknowledge the terribleness of drunk driving and the impact it has on our society. Of course I do. I'm ACTUALLY sorry. You know who isn't? The guy who gets his second or third DUI and has a system worked out where he switches the license plate on his two matching cars so he can drive the one WITHOUT the breathalyzer when he IS drunk!!!!! These are the people who are not remorseful... and I don't see this money grabbing tactic stopping them.
I haven't had an opportunity to drive in over a year and a half, and I had to sell my car to pay for the impound fees, so now I'm unable to comply with the rest of the expectations the province expects of me. I just can't afford to buy a car, and no one wants to let me put a breathalyzer in theirs (and I mean really what does this prove other than my friend doesn't drink and drive... since I won't have their car) so I asked them... "can I do community service to earn back my license?" and they said no. There is no flexibility. There is no hope for those without money. You may recall what happened when our Premier -Gordon Campbell- was arrested for DUI in Hawaii. He had a driver to dote on him the entire time he had his license revoked. Not a luxury a lot can afford, and now in BC we don't even have the option of WAITING a term to get our license back. Quite simply put, we have to PAY for it back.
I realize that people will read this and form opinions of me, hate me, etc. not much I can do about that. I deal with the way people look at me and judge me when they find out about the DUI all the time. It breaks my spirit on a regular basis... because what can I do to fix it other than go into further debt?
So I'm dealing with that, and sure, yes... when I look at other people's wages and see that they make twice as much as I do, well I think... DAMN, I could have fixed this immediately and been not to much the worse for ware.
I also have trust issues, and deep-seeded self-esteem issues. Always being the chubby girl and then been used casually and discarded by men will do that to a person. So now that I'm with someone that claims to love me for who I am... I find myself regularly sabotaging the best thing in my life because I can't exude confidence nor trust that he's not going to eventually get fed up with me. It's a truly terrible cycle of paranoia that leads to destruction. Yet know this, I can't seem to stop it's hold on me.
Alright.... I've vented it out there now. I don't know to what end.I WANT to be happy. I want to know what I have and be calm in my heart. I want to not torment people around me. I don't know why, but that seems like it needs money to happen. Fuck... I don't know how to do it. But I want to be happy, just like everyone else does. So go ahead an ignore me and my first world problem rants.
I just had to tell my troubles to someone... and the internet void seemed like a good unburdened receptacle.
The end. Jeez I hope you didn't read all of this.
